Casualty - a musical fantasy
by Tanith Panic
Summary: Okay so Lofty is my favourite character and this was originally written for his fans. But I promise other characters will be involved and there might even be a bit of 'chemistry' between Zoe and Max if I get nice reviews. Or any reviews! I'm desparate!
1. Chapter 1

CASUALTY THE MUSICAL FANTASY

CAST

(Everybody in this is played by the normal Casualty actor, except for Marta Meyer, and any other guest characters I dream up along the way. All suggestions for an actress for Marta will be considered.)

Ben ('Lofty' Chiltern, a handsome but downtrodden nurse

Max) His friends

Robyn)

Cal)

Ethan) The handsome brothers

Zoe The allocated enchantress

Connie The Demon Queen

Honey The coffee lady

Count Anton Meyer, a rich powerful surgeon

Marta Meyer, his beautiful daughter

Charlie Fairhead, who just wants a part in this. Any part will do for Charlie!

Dylan, the Gobby One (but we love him don't we!)

ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

ED DEPARTMENT

(A quiet day in the ED for a change, Honey is giving out coffees, Lofty is spilling his already, Cal and Ethan are preening in a mirror and everybody is looking round nervously for Connie. They all sing.)

ALL; We are feeling stressed here,

We are quite depressed here,

We all do our best here, but my, oh my.

Best ain't good enough here,

We are feeling rough here,

This place gets so tough here,

And this is why…

MAX: Doing a flamenco on a packet of crisps.) Don't blame it on the cr*p snacks

ROBYN: Don't blame it on the cutbacks,

LOFTY: Don't blame poor Big Mac,

(All looking terrified.)

Blame it on the Connie!

HONEY: Don't blame my cappuccino,

MAX: Don't blame the lack of vino,

LOFTY: Just blame the queen of mean, oh..

ALL: Blame it on the Connie!

(Cal and Ethan go out, probably to have their eyebrows waxed. Everybody else jumps in terror as Connie walks in… but wait, it's only Dylan in a Connie mask. The next number can only be described as somewhat silly. Dylan hands out Connie masks to everybody and they all wear them and sing, while Lofty waltzes round the room with Robyn:)

It's oh so quiet  
It's oh so still  
We're all alone  
And so peaceful until...

Connie stalks in,  
Zing boom  
With evil grin, wham boom,

We're caving in  
Whop, slam!  
You've never been so scared and shy,  
You wanna run, you wanna cry  
You cross your heart and hope to die

Til it's over and then  
Its nice and quiet  
But soon it's time

For Connie's next diet.

A b*tch on wheels  
Zing boom,

In six-inch heels

So what's the big deal  
Wow bam  
Of working for Con?

(Connie herself enters at this moment; everybody else but Lofty gets rid of their masks but Lofty is dancing round happily until he comes face to face with her.)

CONNIE: (Chillingly.) Benjamin Chiltern!

(Lofty takes off the mask and looks crushed.)


	2. Chapter 2

LOFTY: I-I'm really sorry, Mrs – Madam –

CONNIE: Oh you will be. Everybody else is going to the grand Christmas Ball at Count Anton Meyer's mansion except a few doctors, surgeons… and you. You will stay here and do menial tasks for everybody.

LOFTY: Please, I've been looking forward to that ball.

ROBYN: You can't make him stay!

CONNIE: Of course I can't. I can just remind him that if he chooses to abandon his post, PATIENTS MIGHT DIE. Do you want that on your conscience, Lofty?

LOFTY: (Sighing.) No.

CONNIE: Anyway, a ragamuffin like you would only look out of place at the ball.

(The audience hisses and boos.)

CONNIE: Please stop that, it's vulgar. Okay, everybody but Loser here. Be ready for taxis at nine pm sharp. Anybody not ready will have to walk. And it's very cold out there.

She stalks out. The others pat Lofty on the shoulder and go to get ready for the Christmas Ball.)

LOFTY: (Looking around furtively then taking a photo out from under his uniform.) I can't believe I won't get to see her after all… not that she'd ever fancy a clumsy loser like me. (Talking to the audience because that's what musical characters do.) Marta Meyer, the beautiful daughter of Count Anton. I saved this photo from the paper and I keep it next to my heart… mainly because I love her, but also because it's one place Connie isn't likely to go groping around. A lady like Marta would never even look at me, but… hey, a man can dream, right?

(Now you'll know what song's coming – Lee has to sing Any Dream Will Do here because it's in his contract, but you'll not be prepared for Charlie Fairhead's first sneak appearance as a dancing bedpan.)

VOICE OFFSTAGE: NO, Charlie! Off stage NOW!

CHARLIE: (Sighing.) Why did they have to put Lily on security tonight?

(He creeps off and lets Lofty finish the song with accompanying hospital staff doing the 'aaah' bits. Then a shabby bent figure with a scarf over her head sidles in.)

OLD SHABBY LADY: Please let me shelter here tonight. I'm so cold.

LOFTY: I can't… it's just not allowed and I'm already in trouble.

(The old lady weeps.)

LOFTY: All right, sweetheart, let's find you an empty cubicle and then I'll wake Honey up and get you a hot drink.

OLD LADY: What's your name?

LOFTY: Lofty.

OLD LADY: What's your _human being name?_

LOFTY: Ben.

OLD LADY: Ben, you're a sweetheart.

(He leads her to a cubicle. And, sorry about this, one more song about Connie coming up as the old lady pokes her head cheekily out of the cubicle and says to the audience.)

OLD LADY: Little does this lovely man know who I really am. Together we'll defeat that awful woman…

(She sings.)

OLD LADY: I can't give you anything but cheek,

Connie,

Heck I hate to see you here each week, Connie.

You're a bore and what's more, you're botoxed too,

You're a mess and I guess

Meyer wouldn't like you either.

Gee I'd love to see you get the sack, Connie.

Wish you'd move away and not come back,

Connie,

Wish you'd get a transfer to Iraq, Connie.

I can't give you anything but cheek.

(Lofty goes to wake up Honey, who is snoozing across her counter.)

LOFTY: (Quite loudly.) HONEY!

(No response.)

LOFTY: (A little louder.) HONNNNEYYY!

(No response.)

LOFTY: (Almost whispering.) Sex!

(Honey awakens and sits bolt upright.)

HONEY: Oh it's you, sweetie. Want a cappuccino?

LOFTY: No, a nice hot drink… don't grass me up but there's a little old homeless lady in one of those cubicles.

HONEY: ONE big pot of tea and some of my best biscuits coming right up.

(Meanwhile, back in the main reception area, Cal and Ethan strut in wearing their poshest suits, and singing:)

CAL:

ETHAN:) Oh Lord it's hard to be humble,

When you're perfect in every way,

We can't wait to look in the mirror,

We get better looking each day,

To know us is to love us,

We must be one hell of a stud,

Oh Lord it's hard to be humble

When we're blessed with a talent so good.

(They kiss their refections and sing another song.)

CAL: With our aftershave and our poise,

There is nothing stopping us boys,

We shall strut to our cars and strut out on the grass,

We don't want to be crass…. But we both need a lass.

Oooooh, let's go pull a lass,

One who's as bold as brass,

Let's go pull a lass and set her soaring

Up through the atmosphere,

Then we'll waltz back in here,

Oh let's go pull a lass!

Let's go pull a lass, one with a shapely… foot!

Let's go pull a lass and earn a knighthood,

ETHAN: I might be made a Duke!

CAL: Shame you make ladies puke!

BOTH: Oh let's go pull a lass!


	3. Chapter 3

(Lofty looks wistfully at them.)

LOFTY: I wish I was like those two.

CAL: (Overhearing.) Well, you're not, because Ethan and I are special. Get over it.

(Dylan comes striding into the reception area again.)

DYLAN: (Cheerfully.) Cal and Ethan, your taxi firm's on strike. I rang three other companies and they're all full.

HONEY: (Nudging Lofty encouragingly.) Karma!

(Connie comes striding through.)

CONNIE: Lofty, you've _stopped working._ Cal, Ethan, you can travel in my private car.

(Cal and Ethan cheer.)

CONNIE: Then I can keep an eye on you, as I will be doing all evening.

DYLAN: (Singing cheerfully.) Guess who won't pull a lass…

(Robin, Max and the other guest come through. Charlie sneaks behind them in a tuxedo.)

LILY: (From backstage.) I can see you Charlie. You are not in this show. Off stage NOW!

(Charlie stalks off stage crossly. Everybody but Lofty and Honey sing.)

ALL: Cabs are waiting

In the grounds,

Time for party, drinks and fun,

Snow is falling all around,

Happy party, everyone.

MAX: Me and Robyn

Will get hammered,

Dance like pros and have some fun.

No more scrubs until tomorrow,

Happy party, everyone.

CONNIE: Wait!

(She sings in a threatening soprano.)

CONNIE:

Every drink you take, and every move you make  
Every rule you break, every step you take,

They'll be filming you.

Every crumb you eat, if you're indiscreet,

If rude posts you tweet, the camera's got you beat,

They'll be filming you.

Oh can't you see that you work for me,

If bad reports come back, guess who'll get the sack?

Every cheeky trick, if anybody's sick,

If you start acting thick, every spoon you nick,

They'll be filming you.

(Everybody goes out to their cabs, a little subdued. Cal and Ethan are marched between Connie and Big Mac, who carries the video camera. Lofty looks totally crushed.)

ROBYN: (On the way out.) Do you think we should have backed up Lofty more?

HONEY: Never mind, darling, I'll make you some lovely coffee that tastes like Irish Cream. Then we can have a bit of a dance ourselves.

LOFTY: Er… thank you. But…

(He sings.)

LOFTY:

Get here in the morning with Connie on my back.

Wondering what excuse she'll find for giving me the sack.

She likes to strut around me with her stupid hair and heels.

I want to snap right back at her so she knows how it feels.

So I can't sing along when your radio plays a song,

I'm sorry 'cause I know that you mean well.

But I'll still feel the gloom when we're swingin' round the room

Honey, I feel as miserable as hell.

So I don't feel like dancin' when your cute pink radio plays.  
My heart could take a chance but my two feet can't find a way  
You 'd think that I could muster up a little soft shoe gentle sway  
But I don't feel like dancin', no Hon, no dancin' today.

Don't feel like dancin', dancin'  
Even if I find nothin' better to do  
Don't feel like dancin', dancin'  
Why'd you pick up a tune when I'm not in the mood?  
Don't feel like dancin', dancin'  
Rather be home sulking in my bed till the dawn breaks through.

HONEY: (Who isn't very good at comforting phrases at a time like this.) Awwwww.

SCENE TWO

THE MEYER MANSION

(I thought we'd take a look at what's happening over at the ball so far, as otherwise we're going to have a very long second act and a little weeny first act, aren't we? Marta Meyer is singing the same song.)

MARTA: Dad, I don't feel like dancin' when your big orchestra plays.  
My heart could take a chance but my two feet can't find a way  
You 'd think that I could muster up a little soft shoe gentle sway  
But I don't feel like dancin', no Dad, no dancin' today.

Don't feel like dancin', dancin'  
Even if I find nothin' better to do.  
Don't feel like dancin', dancin'  
Why'd you pick up a tune when I'm not in the mood?  
Don't feel like dancin', dancin'  
Rather be alone sulking in my bed till the dawn breaks through.

(Anton comes over to her and says his famous line.)

ANTON: Walk with me.

(They walk round the ballroom inspecting everything.)

MARTA: Daddy, you're not going to start testing potential suitors are you?

ANTON: It's for your own good, my sweet. There are many men out there who will take advantage. So….

(He sings.)

ANTON: My dearest daughter, I must protect you

From all the greedy fools out there,

Although you're young and very lovely,

Getting their hands on cash is all some people care

About, so honey, I have to sort out

All the sheep from all the goats,

So if I send them home, disgraced, then,

That helps keep my hands from round their throats.

Ooh, I like to do a little testing,

Mention certain penalties, and whoops, they're gone,

Ooh I find it rather interesting.

Greedy scroungers leg it but the good guys stay on.

(He is about to go into his wonderful line dance routine when a fanfare sounds. He pouts.)

ANTON: Dammit they're here already!

(A fanfare sounds to the Theme Tune from Casualty, and then the guests enter singing.)

ETHAN:} Stupid brother and cute stud are here,

CAL: (Slyly thumping him.) Anyone who's any good is here,

BOTH: What a zingy, absolutely blingy, spectacle,

The Meyer Christmas Ball.

ROBYN: All the staff without their scrubs are here,

DYLAN: (Looking rudely at Max.) All the riff raff from the pubs are here,

ALL: What a merry, 'let's get smashed on Sherry' spectacle,

The Meyer Christmas Ball.

ALL: Pulses rushing, faces flushing.

CHARLIE: (Turned away at the door.) My name's missed off?

I have never been so…. hacked off!

MEN: Any second now there'll be that first dance,

Ooh that Marta's gorgeous, we're all hoping for a chance,

Let us advance…

LADIES: What a chance to bitch at all the dresses, what a memory to recall,

What a magic, anything but tragic spectacle, the Meyer Christmas Ball!

(The dance begins….)

END OF SCENE TWO


	4. Chapter 4

SCENE THREE

BACK IN THE ED RECEPTION

LOFTY: (Deciding to put a brave face on things.) Come on, Honey let's go for it. Put your radio on.

(He takes her hand and they jive to the music of 'Crazy Little Thing Called Love' for a while, until the old lady shuffles out of the cubicle.)

LOFTY: Oh sorry sweetheart, did we disturb you?

OLD LADY: No, sugar, but now it's time for YOU to be disturbed! You're not staying here, so get into the right frame of mind…

(She shakes off her old lady disguise and behold it's Zoe, more glamorous than she ever was on Strictly.)

HONEY: Oh Lofty, I think it's your fairy godmother.

ZOE: We're called Allocated Enchantresses now, pet. My name's Zoe. Ben, you were kind to me so tonight I'll give you a chance to get your heart's desire.

LOFTY: But the patients-?

ZOE: Don't worry about that, curly top. I've arranged for a skeleton staff. And now…

(She sings.)

ZOE Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, Ooh,  
Aah!  
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

[Spoken] Ok everybody clap your hands  
He's a superstar and he's going out tonight!

(Sung.)

Now listen Ben the Beautiful, you're going out tonight.

A sexy shirt, well that can't hurt,  
You'll look red-hot all right.

That Connie likes to pick on you

She's common and she's tarty.

But you'll grab all the attention

At Old Meyer's Crimbo Party!

Ooh! Ooh!

Sparkle and shine!  
The girls will gather round!  
Sparkle and shine!  
They'll all make a lovesick sound.  
Here's something you CAN believe  
Ben, you're going to shine this Christmas Eve!

ZOE: Now, Honey… off you go and fetch me one of those first-aid dummies!

(Honey runs off.)

LOFTY: What's that for?

ZOE: (Tapping her nose.) That's for me to know and you to wait to find out. Now, your makeover….

(She waves a stethoscope, well you didn't really expect her to have a wand, did you? Lofty is wearing a designer suit with a tuxedo and ruffled shirt, with expensive shoes.)

HONEY: (Coming back with the dummy.) Ooh, Lofty, you're awesome.

ZOE: Just one more thing… his hair needs slicking back. Where's that gel?

(Ominous music 'dadadaDAAAA!' plays. But fear not, the Mead fans are all wide awake.)

MEAD FANS: Don't touch the curls!

(Zoe flings the gel into the wings. A crash. Charlie staggers out shaking his fist, with gel running down his face. Lily yanks him off stage again.)

LOFTY: Can't Honey go to the party too?

HONEY: That's kind but I'd rather stay here and get a bit of kip.

ZOE: Well, if you must moonlight with that pole dancing! Here, swap you that dummy for a pillow.)

(Honey passes over the dummy and Zoe casts another spell. Honey is left hugging a big soft pillow while the dummy becomes a chauffeur, played by – finally, his time has come – Charlie!)

ZOE: Have a kip, Honey… a word to the wise, not on THIS part of the stage.

(Honey moves to the back, and just as well for Charlie Chauffeur drives back in a huge shiny posh car.)

ZOE: In you get, Benjamino. Now tonight you'll be known as….

(She whispers in his ear.)

LOFTY: Very revolutionary!

ZOE: Now here's the downside. Your posh togs and that car will only last till midnight. After that the car will vanish so if you don't want to look stupid sitting on a medical dummy, you'd better leave the party by quarter to!

LOFTY: Look…it's only twenty past nine. That leaves me plenty of time to enjoy the party and get close to Marta. If I can't get a date with her after a couple of hours, I'll never manage it so I'm just grateful to be going.

ZOE: Aren't you a sweetie?

(This is Zoe's chance to do her big musical 'strictly' moves. She sings.)

ZOE: You want Marta's love and my devotion  
You want her loving soul right on the line  
I have no doubt that she could love you forever  
The only trouble is you really don't have the time

You've got till midnight only, midnight only, that's all you have to spare  
Midnight only, to make your lady care.  
Midnight only, midnight only, come on now, sweetie, come on  
Midnight only, you don't have 'til dawn.

In the morning your lady will be gone  
One chance to keep it going on.

Something so right should have a chance to live  
So trust Auntie Zoe, and grab this chance I give.

Midnight only, Midnight only, you'll be the only one  
Midnight only, make it a job well done.  
Midnight only, midnight only, there's nothin' more to say-

(Charlie comes sneaking across the stage dancing.)

ZOE: Midnight only…. Charlie, get out of the way!

(Now as this is a fantasy, and I think the ladies out there would like to see more of Max, Cal and Ethan, they appear in a fantasy dance routine wearing tuxes and dancing with Zoe, even though technically they're also at the party. Oh the wonders of technology! Zoe sings a final verse, then Lofty kisses her and climbs into the car, as Zoe reprises 'Sparkle and Shine'. The car drives off. The music fades to Brahms' Lullaby as Honey goes to sleep.)

HONEY: (In her sleep.) Mmm… Oooh… ooh…. OOH, DYLAN!

END OF ACT ONE


	5. Chapter 5

ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

THE RECEPTION, ED

(Zoe comes forward.)

ZOE: Now I know you're all dying to know what happens next but I thought you'd like to meet the skeleton staff… played by the Judy Murray School of Dancers!

(The curtain swings back to reveal a set of skeletons dressed in scrubs who do a wonderfully scary dance, even going down into the audience to 'menace' them. The children giggle, the adults scream loudly. Honey snoozes on totally unware.)

ZOE: (Coming back.) So, are we all ready for the party?

AUDIENCE: (Bawling.) YES!

ZOE: I said, are we all ready for the party?

AUDIENCE: (Bawling louder than a room full of civil servants.) YEEEESSSSSS!

(The skeletons dance off and the curtain rises on:)

SCENE TWO

THE BALLROOM, MEYER MANSION

(A waltz is in progress. Cal and Ethan are singing along to the music. They have reached the drunken stage where they are loudly complaining about anything and everything, regardless of the treat of the secret filming.)

CAL: I don't like it here-

ETHAN: - They've watered the beer.

CAL: And all these hors d'oeuvres

ETHAN: Get right on my nerves.

CAL: The girls are all tarts,

ETHAN: The men are old f***s,

BOTH: This place is a pain in the rear,

And I wish I wasn't here.

(Marta comes up to the quietly.)

MARTA: (With a big fake smile.) So you're not enjoying yourself boys? Want to go somewhere a bit more exciting?

CAL: Ooh YEAH, baby! It's rubbishville in here.

MARTA: Your wish is granted. (Calling.) Godzilla! (A huge bouncer appears and bows to her.) These men are being rude about my father's reception. Please remove them.

(Godzilla grabs them by the scruff of the neck and flings them outside. A few seconds later the Master of Ceremonies announces:)

MASTER OF CEREMONIES: The Marquis of Enjolras!

(Lofty stands at the door looking nervous and shy. Then he takes a deep breath, smiles, and walks in. Marta goes to greet him.)

MARTA: Thank you for joining us tonight, Marquis.

LOFTY: I'm just sorry I'm a little late…

MARTA: I thought nobility never apologised for being late. (Lofty sighs and is frantically scrabbling for an excuse when she smiles and says.)

MARTA: It's so refreshing to see somebody who knows how to be courteous.

(The waltz ends and another dance begins.)

LOFTY: (Shyly.) Please would you honour me by dancing with me?

MARTA: I'd love to!

(They dance as the guests sing:)

GUESTS: Never was a dance more sprightly,

Never was a dance more courtly.

Though we must admit quite politely,

Meyer's looking slightly portly.

Let the melody's splendour

Bring to you

Memories of a love tender and true.

(Dylan, also too drunk to worry about the secret filming, is pirouetting around taking the pee out of ballet. Max and Robyn notice.)

MAX: Meyer's lip is setting quite tightly,

ROBYN: He'll kick Dylan in the a**,

Yes, in the a**,

BOTH: Very shortly.

(Marta is asking Lofty about his medical work and he's responding very enthusiastically, but are both becoming a little uncomfortable at Anton staring fixedly at them.)

MARTA: We have a beautiful garden…would you like to see it?

LOFTY: I'd love to.

(They walk out hand in hand. Anton glares but a lively jazz number begins to play. Noel and Louise, seeing the situation, dance round him and are joined by the rest of the staff so Anton is hemmed in.)

END OF SCENE TWO.

SCENE THREE

THE GARDENS, MEYER MANSION

(Lofty and Marta are standing on an ornamental bridge, viewing the little stream that runs underneath it.)

LOFTY: Such a lovely setting.

MARTA: Yes.

LOFTY: (To himself.) Come on, you fool. Go for it!

LOFTY: Such a shame to talk about a garden. Tell me about yourself.

(Marta sings.)

MARTA: I get up in the morning,

Sit through everything Daddy has to say,

Feeling bored by the evening,

Go to bed, feeling the same way.

Oh, I'm nothing but tired,

I'm nothing but tired and bored with myself,

Hey, Marquis… I could use a little help.

Can't start a fire, can't start a fire without a spark,

This girl's for hire, what do you say to dancing in the dark?

LOFTY: Go to boring receptions, wishing they'd end and I could sleep.

I'll offer you no deception… medical jargon just bores me till I weep.

I'm concerned with the people, want to hand them all the will to live.

(Playfully.) That's all the information about myself that I'm willing to give,

Can't start a fire, just swapping medical remarks,

This boy's for hire, what do you say to dancing in the dark?

Hey, baby….

MARTA: (Speaking again.) Somebody concerned with people rather than just talk? My kind of man. Let's dance!

(They dance on the bridge. Lofty climbs on to the bridge, wobbles… and pulls himself together.)

LOFTY: (Aside.) This is one night I'm not going to end up in the stream!

(He climbs back down, takes a deep breath and pulls Marta to him, kissing her.)

CHARLIE: (Disguised as a water lily.) I can see you, dirty boy!

(Rita struts in, pulls Charlie's water lily up by the roots and flings him off stage.)

MARTA: Did you hear that?

LOFTY: I think it was a water lily… or maybe a water Rita.

MARTA: What are you babbling about, sweetheart? Shut up and kiss me.

(He does. The clock chimes.)

MARTA: (Reluctantly.) Better go in before Dad goes off on one…

(They link arms and go back into the ballroom.)


	6. Chapter 6

SCENE FOUR

BACK IN THE BALLROOM

(Anton is giving Dylan a stern reprimand and Dylan is sniggering, which isn't going down too well but helps Lofty and Marta to sneak back in, looking as innocent as they can.)

ANTON: Mrs Beauchamp will learn all about your behaviour.

DYLAN: (Gleefully.) She knows all about it already, mate.

ANTON: You do NOT refer to a Count as 'mate', young man.

(He looks round and is relieved to see his daughter safely back inside the mansion.)

ANTON: Now to perform my little gold digger test to see if that young man is decent.

(But as he walks over to Lofty and Marta, a clock chimes.)

MARTA: Quarter to midnight already!

LOFTY: I'm so sorry, I'll need to leave in five minutes. I have… um…another charity engagement. (To himself.) Tell her you love her, you fool! The worst thing she can do is laugh at you!

MARTA: I knew you were a kind man. (Aside.) I wish he'd kiss me again. I can calm Dad down afterwards!

(Connie stalks through and gives them a penetrating look. Lofty freezes nervously.)

CONNIE: Evening, Marquis.

LOFTY: Ah, the divine Mrs Beauchamp, spoken of us so highly at Enjolras towers.

CONNIE: (Aside, shaking herself.) Get a grip, Anaconda. There's no way Lofty could talk as clearly or classily as that!

(Another dance, this time a lively jive. Lofty keeps being hemmed in by people, and midnight finally strikes just as Dylan grabs Marta and does a few jive moves with her. Marta tries to escape until her father finally intervenes and punches Dylan, who collapses giggling… by which time Lofty has fled. But what's that glistening on the ground?)

DYLAN: Trouble with you bigwigs is you don't know how to have fun.

MARTA: (Asking around in general.) Did anybody see which way the Marquis went?

(Everybody shakes their heads.)

ROBYN: He was tasty though!

(Max scoops up the badge that has dropped.)

MAX: It's a name badge… (Squinting.) Bert Chilblain...

MARTA: (Taking it from him as politely as she can.) Ben Chiltern… a nursing badge?

CONNIE: (Aside.) I am going to perform an operation on him when we get back… without anaesthetic.

MEYER: Curious. Oh well we'll probably never see him again.

MARTA: On the contrary. I want somebody – anybody – to run a check on that name, please. I HAVE to know who he really is!

CONNIE: Really, Ms Meyer? He seemed a bit lacklustre to me.

MARTA: Only to those with no imagination.

(She sings as Connie nearly explodes with rage.)

MARTA: (SONG: I will follow him, used in Sister Act Two.)

You must search for him,

Wherever he may go,

There isn't an ocean too deep

Or a mountain so high it could keep me away.

SERVANTS: We shall search for him,

Because this girl's in love,

No need to be modest and shy,

We see that you're after this guy,

We'll find your man,

This man that you love.

MARTA: I love him, I love him, I love him,

And where he goes I'll follow, I'll follow, I'll follow,

We'll share a thousand sunsets, forever, forever,

I want that man forever!

CONNIE: (With an evil laugh.) We'll see about that!

(Ominous music plays.)

END OF SCENE FOUR

SCENE 5

THE HORRIBLE FOREST

(This is a scary forest on the way back to the hospital. A dance of spooks, bats and bugs is performed by none other than Big Mac's Toe-tapping Tots! The casting for this was very fair; any Tot who couldn't afford a spook or bat costume has to play a bug. Then Zoe comes forward, with Max, Dylan and Connie following her like zombies.)

ZOE: Now I've hypnotised these three. Connie, because she's a bad b*tch, Dylan because he will NOT be politically correct, and Max because he's cute and I wanted him to be in on this. They're all going to do a musical number together for my entertainment.

(Max sings. The song is an old one used in pantomimes a lot. A friend requested that I included this and I love a challenge, so here we go.)

MAX: If I weren't part of Holby staff, something else I'd like to be,

If I weren't part of Holby staff, a zoo attendant, me.

Tend creatures all day long and this would be my song.

(Doing the actions.) Feed the monkeys, stroke the snake, watch out for the tig… (clutching his backside.)…aaagh!

(Dylan minces forward. Disclaimer: I am very strong on gay rights but sexist rogues like Dylan have to learn the hard way.)

DYLAN: If I weren't part of Holby staff, something else I'd like to be,

If I weren't part of Holby staff, a drag artiste, me!

I'd shimmy all day long, and this would be my song.

(Doing the actions.) Blusher here, mascara there, shimmy like a girl, ooh!

MAX: Feed the monkeys, stroke the snake, watch out for the tig…aaagh!

ZOE: (Speaking.) And now it's Connie's turn. She did choose this one herself so if it goes wrong for her - ooh dear, what a shame!

(Connie struts forward and sings:)

CONNIE: If I weren't part of Holby staff, something else I'd like to be,

If I weren't part of Holby staff, a politician, me.

I'd canvas all day long, and this would be my song.

(Doing the actions.) Canvas here, speeches there, kissing babies everywhere.

(Zoe hands her a toy baby to kiss and Connie, being hypnotised, bends down to it. It wees in her eye.)

DYLAN: Blusher here, mascara there, shimmy like a girl, ooh!

MAX: Feed the monkeys, stroke the snake, watch out for the tig…aagh!

CONNIE: (Determined to sing louder than the others:)

Canvas here, speeches there, kissing babies everywhere.

(The baby wees in her eye again, and she looks up hastily, only to get a rotten egg smack in the mouth. A barrage of rotten eggs follows and she runs off sobbing.)

ZOE: Well, she would insist on being a politician. (Waving her stethoscope.) Okay, guys, you're released. Off you go. (To Max.) Catch you later, sexy!

MAX:] (Suddenly looking at their watches and running off in panic.)

DYLAN:} Somewhere else we ought to be!

(They flee. Zoe giggles and pursues them in a – get this! – flying ambulance. Ethan comes dancing through the forest, singing to 'dance the night away' and giggling drunkenly.)

ETHAN: Just want to dance the night away, Cal's woman ran off yesterday,

Right now the future's looking grim, but not as bl**dy grim as him.

And if you see her, please tell her he's doing well, still ugly as hell….

(He suddenly feels a tap on his shoulder. One of the spooks from the earlier dance is leering at him. Ethan flees.)

SCENE SIX

THE ED RECEPTION

(Honey is still talking in her sleep as Rita and Lily come in.)

HONEY: Oooh, CAL! Ooooh, Ethan! OOOOOH, Big Mac!

RITA: If she says 'Oooh Rita', I'll wake her up with a thump.

(An old lady, played by Vanessa Redgrave, drags Max towards a cubicle.)

OLD LADY: Come on, you told me I was gorgeous back at the party so I followed you home!

MAX: Robyn, get rid of her please!

ROBYN: Sorry, Mrs Wossyerface, rules state all healthy people have to be discharged, so on you go!

OLD LADY: But Max loves me!

BIG MAC: (Coming and taking her arm.) Come on, sweetie, let's get you to a nice taxi.

ROBYN: Max, Max, Max, this happens every time you go out.

MAX: I know and I'll tell you what's to blame…

(He sings. This is 'Bad Habits' by an Australian guy called Billy Fields, it can be found on You Tube.)

MAX: I've been running wild like a naughty child,

And the reason's plain to see.

Well the demon drink drives me to the brink,

I see women through beer goggles.

I see some old crone,

Have to bring her home,

Where she'll whine and moan

All night.

And my story's end?

Ridiculed by friends!

Got to keep off those beer goggles.


	7. Chapter 7

(Max staggers off to lie down. Honey, now wide awake, comes through shouting:)

HONEY: Who wants nice strong coffee?

ROBYN: Yes please but don't ask quite so loudly.

HONEY: Hey isn't Lofty with you?

ROBYN: (Patiently.) He should be here Honey, he wasn't allowed to go to the ball, remember?

HONEY: (Looking innocent.) Oh yeah.

(Lofty creeps in behind them. Honey drags him to a cubicle.)

HONEY: How was it? How was it?

LOFTY: Wonderful. Even though it's all over now, I'll never forget…

(He sings to Elvis Presley's 'Such a Night:)

LOFTY: Oh what a night ooh-ooh what a night  
It was it really was such a night  
The moon was bright oh how so bright  
It was it really was such a night  
The night was alight with stars above  
Oooh when I saw her I had to fall in love.

Oh, what a night oooh what a night  
It was it really was such a night  
Came the dawn and my heart and her love  
And the night was gone  
But I'll never forget her face, her face in the moonlight  
Such a face, such a night.

Well she's gone, gone, gone  
Yes she's gone, gone, gone  
Came the dawn, dawn, dawn  
And my love was gone  
But before that dawn  
Yes before that dawn and before that dawn  
Oooh, oooh, Such a night!

ROBYN: Stop caterwauling and let Honey make those coffees!

(But it's too late, in stalks Connie with the rest of the staff.)

CONNIE: The party's over. (Nastily to Lofty.) Even for those who didn't go. Get to work! You, Lofty, get cleaning the floors and try not to trip over anything!

(Lofty walks off, but can't resist giving his butt a little Elvis style shake as he goes.)

CONNIE: I swear that man needs certifying.

(Dylan struts in late. Honey and Robyn get in his way.)

DYLAN: Out of my way, you silly cows.

CONNIE: Dylan! We've talked about political correctness!

DYLAN: (Singing, well, rapping to 'I'm Sexy and I Know It.)

When I walk in the ED this is what I see  
Everybody stops and they're glaring at me.

I got a tactless gob and I ain't afraid to show it.

Political correctness, bah!

I'm sexist and I know it!

(Lily walks in. Dylan walks round after her singing.)

Girl look at that body  
Girl look at that body

LILY: I'm freaked out!

DYLAN: When I walk in the ED this is what I hear:

(Imitiating Connie.)

"Dylan, can you be a bit less sexist dear?"

I got a tactless gob and I' m not afraid to show it,

I'm sexist and I know it.

(He imitates Lily's walk.)

DYLAN: Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, yeah

(Lily slaps his face.)

DYLAN: (Imitating Big Mac's walk.)  
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, yeah  
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, yeah  
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, yeah.

Do the wiggle Mac! Do the wiggle Mac!

(Big Mac links arms with Dylan and flutters his eyelashes. Dylan slaps Big Mac.)

DYLAN: I'm sexist and I know it!

(Lily, Big Mac and Connie all slap Dylan together.)

(Suddenly a trainee rushes in.)

TRAINEE: Ms Beauchamp, there's Count Meyer at the door.

Ms Beauchamp, at the door there is Count Meyer.

He's come here with his daughter, but his temper's getting shorter

As he's never had security before.

With rage and indignation he is rife

Because his welcome wasn't very hearty.

He's got eyes like Alice Cooper and he's swearing like a trooper

Oh I've never heard such language in me life!

(Lofty, hearing the name 'Meyer' sidles out to see what's happening.)

CONNIE: Lofty, this isn't for menials. Back you go.

(Suddenly Count Meyer and Marta walk in. Lofty stands shyly in the doorway.)

CONNIE: (Aside to him.) Get out of here now curly boy or I'll make Dylan shave your head!

MARTA: Mrs Beauchamp, I believe that young man's the one I need to speak to… Ben Chiltern?

LOFTY: That's my real name.

MARTA: So it was you I danced with last night before you fled?

(Connie shakes with rage.)

CONNIE: You defied me and went to that reception? Mr Meyer, Miss Meyer, I am so sorry….

(But already Lofty and Marta are in each others' arms.)

CONNIE: (Forcing a sickly grin.) Dear Ben, you deserve to be happy. I forgive you.

DYLAN: Yee hah! Get me coat, round to pub, show over….

CONNIE: (Grimly.) Oh no it isn't. There's an Act Three. And Lofty is REALLY going to pay.

COUNT MEYER: And I haven't done my 'catch the gold-digger test' yet.

(Lofty and Marta share a passionate kiss. A curtain comes down between the rest of the cast and Connie who sneers:)

CONNIE: Oh it's all so lovely now isn't it? But I haven't finished with Curly Top yet…

(She sings. This is Rita Ora's 'I will never let you down'.)

CONNIE: I'll tell you Ben, what I'm gonna do

I need a punchbag and that punchbag's you!  
Watch the rainclouds, how they're coming through.

I'll change your mood from gold and rose to blue.

Open the window, rain will pour on you.

'Cause you've been looking happy all week  
And I don't think that's right.

I want to see your curly mop droop

As you weep every night.

You'll weep every night, boy.

You can't take in your good fortune,

Can't believe it's real,

You're in for a rough deal.

When you think you've had enough  
And you might just give it up  
Oh, oh  
I will always bring you down,

When you're feeling low on love  
I'll be what you're frightened of,

Oh, oh  
I will always bring you down.

Oh, oh  
I will always bring you down.

BENJIE,  
I will always bring you down.


	8. Chapter 8

(I realised there was a gaping plot hole about the film so have amended the last three chapters. Hope things make more sense now.)

ACT THREE

SCENE ONE

THE RECEPTION, ED

(Cal and Ethan are cheering themselves up after their less than fruitful evening at the grand ball by singing: the tune is 'Going Courtin' from Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.)

CAL: Operating, operating, oh its sets a doctor in a whirl,

ETHAN: Operating, operating, stitching up a lucky boy or girl,

CAL: Great to lure a patient into bed,

ETHAN: Drop a bedpan on to Connie's head,

BOTH: But it's so exhilarating, Operating!

(They dance.)

ETHAN:} Operating, operating, if your patient isn't acting nice-

CAL:} Operating, operating, here's a little medical advice-

ETHAN:} Don't cajole or whimper, whine or beg,

CAL.} Put 'em under and remove their leg!

BOTH: That's what's known as innovating, Operating!

(Connie comes in. Her grin is more fixed and her heels are even higher.)

CONNIE: I need this area vacated, so go and do some work for once.

(Cal and Ethan slink off. Max comes through, still looking the worse for wear after his night out.)

MAX: (His speech a little blurred as he has two paracetamol in his mouth.) Water…

(He has a swig of water from the cooler.)

MAX: Cubicle!

(He staggers off to look for a cubicle.)

END OF SCENE ONE

SCENE TWO

CONNIE'S OFFICE

(Big Mac and Robyn sneak in. Mac carries a camcorder. He sets it up and hides it in the room.)

ROBYN: We'll be fired.

BIG MAC: If she catches us. And if she can film us, we can film HER. We might see her stuffing eclairs or something, from that drawer she always keeps locked.

ROBYN: Okay then, but I still don't feel right.

(They creep out.)

SCENE THREE

A VACANT CUBICLE

(Max lies down on the bed. Zoe pops up next to him. Max nearly jumps out of his skin.)

ZOE: Don't fret, handsome, I have magical powers. (Sneering.) Paracetamol! (She puts her hands on either side of Max's head.) All gone now?

MAX: I feel ace!

ZOE: (Admiringly.) You LOOK ace. So, you'll be wondering why I'm in here?

MAX: Listen, lady, if you took my headache away, I don't care why you're in here! (Looking closer.) Heck, you're tasty! Oh, I'm sounding like Dylan. I mean, you're very attractive…

(Zoe grabs him and kisses him. Max is very happy about this.)

MAX: I dream about days like this.

ZOE: This is the real thing, sweetie. Grab it while you can!

(They sing. The tune is officially known as 'A Media Luz' and it can be found on You Tube. It's a tango, so that's what Max and Zoe are dancing to right now )

MAX: A cubicle for two, I don't mind if I do,

It's certainly more fun than a cubicle for one.

ZOE: You're looking rather lush,

My pulse begins to rush,

MAX: I don't know who you are, but

You're turning me to mush.

BOTH: A passionate wee dance,

A nice whirlwind romance.

We do a stunning tango

As round the floor we prance.

ZOE: Your footwork is divine,

Almost as good as mine!

MAX: You ought to be on Strictly-

ZOE: I might try that sometime!

(Max bends Zoe backwards in a proper tango move. They share a passionate kiss. Then Connie strides in.)

MAX: (Aside.) If she banned Lofty from the ball just for dancing, I think my skin's going to be decorating the notice board sometime soon. (Aloud.) Sorry Mrs Beauchamp, it is my break after all.

CONNIE: (Beaming.) That's quite all right, Max. But run along now, sweetie, I want to talk to Zoe in my office.

(Max 'runs along'.)

END OF SCENE THREE

SCENE FOUR

CONNIE'S OFFICE.

(Connie ushers Zoe into her office and indicates a seat. Zoe sits but looks uneasy. Connie's smile is overpowering.)

CONNIE: (Smiling.) I want us to be friends again.)

ZOE: Well it was you who got nasty when you learned I had magical powers.

CONNIE: It was just that everybody went off about it as if you were wonderful. (In her Petunia Dursley voice.) "We have an enchantress on the ED, isn't it wonderful?" But I was jealous.

(She sings.)

CONNIE When you and I were younger dear, I was a jealous cow,

I sneered at all your magic tricks and I'm so sorry now.

For me you'll always be the greatest colleague that I knew,

If only you'd be friends with me and I could be friends with you.

ZOE: Oh the things we might have seen, oh the things that might have been,

CONNIE: YOU'VE seen plenty, I guess-

(Both laughing.)

BOTH: But not as much as good OLD Tess!

(They scream with laughter.)

Raid the secret wine store, then, we'll nick the private key,

We'll chill out and let all the others run the old ED,

And sit around imagining the things that we can do

As soon as you'll be friends with me like I can be friends with you.

AUDIENCE: (Shouting.) Don't drink anything she gives you, Zoe!

(Connie just gives the audience a nasty smirk.)

CONNIE: Before we have that drink, could you just do one of your super tricks for me? The one where you shrink and fit into a test tube?

AUDIENCE: Don't go in the test tube, Zoe!

(But Zoe is already shrinking, squeaking away like Tinkerbell, and climbing into the test tube. This bit is all done with twinkly lights. Connie slams the lid on the test tube and throws it in the bin.)

ZOE: (Helplessly.) Eeee! Eeeeee! Eeeee!

CONNIE: And now to destroy Lofty's future!

END OF SCENE FOUR

SCENE FIVE

(Connie's office, a little later.)

(Lofty sits nervously in a swivel chair as Connie brings in a tray with a couple of teapots on it.)

AUDIENCE: Don't drink the tea, Lofty!

LOFTY: Mrs Beauchamp, I'm so sorry I defied you.

CONNIE: Ben, darling, you were following your heart and I respect that. Now I've got some lovely tea for you to drink – look, your own personal teapot! – while we discuss your future. (Lofty is about to pour milk into the cup.) NO, darling. Never milk first. Milk afterwards. Look, I'll pour… just in case you spill.

(She pours his tea out. He takes a nervous sip which makes him slurp a little. He looks down in embarrassment – a lovely view of the eyelashes there, ladies! – and Connie giggles sweetly.)

CONNIE: Nerves, that's all, Benjyboos! Now, we'll all miss you so much.

LOFTY: Miss me?

CONNIE: Yes, sweetheart, you can't work here any more, can you? Not now you're going to marry Ms Meyer.

LOFTY: But I love the ED.

CONNIE: Not as much as you love your Marta, though.

(He drinks a little more tea.)

CONNIE: Lofty darling, does that tea taste peculiar?

(The audience is very uneasy by now.)

LOFTY: It does a little.

CONNIE: That's because it's Earl Grey. Upmarket tea. You're not upmarket, are you, sweetie?

AUDIENCE: (Relieved but still uneasy.) Oh… MIND poisoning.

CONNIE: And if you kept working here, you'd look even greedier wouldn't you?

LOFTY: Greedier?

CONNIE: Ben, Ben, Ben. That's not what I think, it's what the media will think. They'll see you as a grasping fortune-hunter. And unfortunately it will reflect on your lovely wife. And your future family… your children will be spat at in supermarkets.

LOFTY: I'd protect them!

CONNIE: Such a social difference between you and Marta. Look at the way you slurped your tea at first. And there'll be worse to come. You'll embarrass her at every social event in the calendar. You HAVE to end things for her sake, Lofty.

LOFTY: No – we can make this work.

CONNIE: Oh no you can't.

AUDIENCE: Oh yes he can.

CONNIE: I am clinical lead and my word is final. (To Lofty.) Look, let me make this so clear that even you can understand it. If you don't dump Marta I'll do my share of telling the media a few things, true or not. I'll make sure your posh little girlfriend lives a life of pure misery. If you don't hurt her – I will. Maybe physically. GET IT?

LOFTY: I despise you. But okay, I'll pack and leave.

CONNIE: Not enough. She'll search for you again. You have to show her what a reptile you are. (Hopefully.) Maybe a slap...

LOFTY: I'm not hitting her. I wouldn't slap any woman, even you. I'll make her hate me. But let me give you one word to think about, Mrs Beauchamp…. Karma.

(He walks out with his head held high. Connie sneers 'Karma' to herself and laughs.)

SCENE SIX

A PRIVATE CUBICLE

(Marta, the little minx, has dragged Lofty into a private cubicle. Max and Zoe's cubicle, too, the little minx. He pulls away.)

MARTA: Ben? What's wrong?

(Silence.)

MARTA: Ben?

LOFTY: (In his best Danny Zuko voice.) That's my name, don't wear it out.

MARTA: What's wrong with you?

LOFTY: Look, sweetie, it's truth time. I LIKE leading girls on and using a fake name every time. Remember the Marquis of Enjolras? I've also been Lord Arthur Saville, Emmett Forrrest, a guy who ran around in a loincloth calling himself Joseph… oh and a guy called Fiyero, among others. It amuses me to string girls along.

MARTA: You were so sweet the other night, Ben.

(He imitates her in a whiny female voice. Then:)

LOFTY: It was fun to string you along while it lasted. But it's over now.

(He sings.)

LOFTY: I can tell from your eyes that you'll probably be crying for ever,

But I only feel genuine love when I look into a mirror.

I don't want to talk about it, bet I broke your heart.

(Wistfully to himself.) If we stay here just a little longer, maybe she might listen to my heart…

(Snapping out of it.) NO! Flippancy needed here.

LOFTY: Let me tell you, honeybunch, why I use a different name and a different town so often.

(He sings.)

LOFTY: Met a girl in Durham Town, her dad still wishes I might drown,

Can't go back to Durham Town, I'm a bad, bad, man.

Met a girl in Tenerife, I gave her family so much grief,

Can't go back to Tenerife, I'm a bad, bad, man.

You're shaken, you're frightened, your sense of danger's heightened,

Our break-up has to be, you're too big a wimp for me!

Met a girl in Whitley Bay, I left her in the family way!

(Marta almost faints.)

LOFTY: Can't go back to Whitley Bay, I'm a bad, bad man.

I can tell you despise me, but don't try to analyse me,

For when all is said and done, don't you wish you had my fun?

So I think it's time I went, but someday when you're old and bent,

Think of hours you might have spent with a bad, bad man.

(Marta slaps his face and walks out. Lofty makes sure she's gone, then buries his face in his hands, sobbing as if his heart will break. Cue for a big 'awwwwww' from the audience here.)

(Connie stalks in.)

CONNIE: Oh I can see from your little pink eyes that you've done it, Loser.

LOFTY: Yes, I did it. And every cruel word I said to her was like twisting a knife in my own heart.

CONNIE: (Not so much patting his head as bashing it hard.) Well you're a nurse, dearie, so you can always sew yourself up again, can't you?

LOFTY: (Realising he has nothing to lose.) DON'T TOUCH THE CURLS, B*TCH!

(He walks off to pack. A little later Robyn and Big Mac sneak back into the cubicle and play back their film on the camcorder at high speed. They slow it down when they see the bit with Lofty and look at each other in horror.)

ROBYN: She's been bullying him! Let's get her!

(But just then both their pagers bleep and they have to rush off on duty.)

END OF SCENE SIX


	9. Chapter 9

SCENE EIGHT

(Lily walks in front of a curtain that's just come down.)

LILY: Now while everybody's gone to watch the film, Charlie wants to entertain you all, but guess what? Charlie won't come out. He's scared everybody will laugh at him. You won't laugh at Charlie, will you, guys?

AUDIENCE: NOOOOOO!

(Charlie comes out wearing a leopard skin top and a grass skirt.)

AUDIENCE: Hee hee heeeeeee!

(Charlie tries to creep off but Lily pushes him back on.)

CHARLIE: Okay, my name is Charlie Shakira (He looks as if he's going to burst into tears when he says this.) and I have a song for you all, but everybody in the audience has to do the actions. I'll show you.

(He sings. This is Shakira's 'This Time for Africa'.)

CHARLIE: You're a good doctor, healing your patients.

Pick yourself up and dust yourself off  
And back in the ED.

You're operating, Everyone's watching  
You know it's serious, we're getting closer  
This isn't over.

The pressure's on  
You feel it  
You'll save this one, Believe it.

(Pretending to scrub a bedpan.)

Scrub that bedpan out, hey hey,

(Performing 'resus'.)

Resus, resus, hey hey,

(Wheeling an imaginary bed.)

Wheel that bed around, whoo hee,

This time for Casualty!

(He invites six children from the audience who each go back to their seats, somewhat puzzled, with a glow in the dark bedpan, after the routine. The audience join in the final chorus and Charlie dances, wiggling his grass skirt cheerfully.)

SCENE NINE

THE RECEPTION, ED.

(A little disclaimer before we start. Connie's evil has been exaggerated for this musical. So, back in the ED, everybody comes out of the lecture room, having seen the film. They're all gobsmacked at what Connie's capable of. Connie is trying to keep calm but is gradually becoming very disturbed.)

COUNT MEYER: (Throwing his arms round Lofty.) Here's the man who was willing to destroy his own life to protect my daughter.

MARTA: Ben, sweetheart, I know everything now! I love you!

LOFTY: I swear I'll work hard for your daughter, Sir.

COUNT MEYER: Oh dear, it seems I'm a naughty little liar. The reason my daughter will be penniless is that I'm moving all her money into the Holby Trust Fund…. Of which I'm making you two joint directors!

(Cal and Ethan, creeping back, overhear this and look crushed.)

COUNT MEYER: You two. Marta has two equally beautiful sisters. Show you can behave yourselves in future and who knows?

(Cal and Ethan high-five each other.)

CONNIE: No! It's not going to end happily for you, Ben! (Taking a gun out of the drawer and aiming at Marta.) Say goodbye to your precious fiancée!

(Probably foolishly, Lofty stands between Marta and Connie.)

LOFTY: You'll hurt her over my dead body.

ZOE: (From her test-tube, obviously very concerned.) Eeeeeeeeeee!

CONNIE: That works for me.

(She fires point-blank into Lofty's chest. He crumples to the ground and lies still. Connie, suddenly shocked at her action, drops the gun; Big Mac takes charge of it. The staff swarm round Connie, chanting.)

STAFF: Grab her, stab her, hang her during break.

Bash her, smash her, burn her at the stake.

MARTA: (Sobbing brokenly.) Ben…..

ZOE: (Sobbing from inside the bin.) Oooooohhh…. Eeee…..!

END OF SCENE NINE


	10. Chapter 10

SCENE 10

EXACTLY THE SAME AS SCENE NINE BUT I NEEDED A CLIFFHANGER!

(Big Mac has tied Connie's hands to keep her from further action but he's keeping the gun on her just in case.)

CAL: (Urgently to Ethan.) Grab him. Operate. Save him. Kudos. Pay rise!

(But Lofty is already stirring. He gives a little moan and sits up, looking dazed.)

MARTA: Darling, you're not dead! Thank goodness!

(Lofty slips his hand inside his shirt and holds up a framed photograph with a bullet in it.)

LOFTY: Sometimes it pays to be soppy!

MARTA: (Somewhat incoherently.) You had my photo… next to…? It saved you… My Ben!

LOFTY: My Marta!

DYLAN: My sick bucket now! (Kindly to Lofty.) Glad you're not dead though mate. You're good at running errands.

MARTA: But are you all right, darling?

LOFTY: (Opening his shirt to show her.) My chest hurts a bit.

MARTA: Oh darling what a horrible bruise! I'll kiss it better when we're alone!

DYLAN: (Leering at Lily.) I've got a horrible bruise on my bum.

LILY: (Looking bored.) I'll give you some cream for it.

ROBYN: One thing I don't get. We saw the footage at the ball, we saw Connie bullying Lofty afterwards… but what was all that stuff where Connie was talking to a white light in her office and what's that squeaky thing in the bin?

MAX: (Suddenly throwing his arms round Robyn and kissing her.) That ain't no squeaky thing… that's my missing woman!

ROBYN: In the bin? Max… isn't she a little small for you?

CONNIE: (With one last try at pure evil.) That bin Big Mac took to the incinerator earlier?

MAX: (Screaming.) EEEEEEEEEE!

BIG MAC: The bin's still there, mate. (To Connie.) Liar, liar, heels on fire.

(Dylan, Cal and Ethan throw the bin to each other as if it's a football. Max leaps for it as the Robyn sings, to a reprise of the pig tune.)

ROBYN: Get that bin! Get that bin! Max's woman's in the bin!

Though I don't see how she could fit in it.

There's a fog in my brain for today's been insane,

And it's getting madder by the minute.

Connie sulks….there's a shot…

Lofty's dead… then he's not.

Now we need to save this mystery woman Max has got

From the bin, from the bin, from the bin.

(Dylan drops the bin. Pandemonium. Then the test tube breaks and Zoe is freed. She advances on Connie, stethoscope raised.

MAX: Isn't she wonderful?

ZOE: Just hang in there, handsome. Harpy to see to first. You all right, Ben?

LOFTY: (Still cuddling Marta.) Never better.

ZOE: (Waving the stethoscope.) I need cops!

(A flash. Then a policeman and woman appear and start handcuffing Connie.)

OFFICER ONE: You do not have to say anything… but you're under arrest for the attempted murder of Ben Chiltern, for bullying your staff and for putting my favourite Strictly star in a bin! That should get you at least five years' jail… and somebody else will have your job when you come out.

ZOE: But don't worry Anaconda, my sweet, I'll always be behind you.

(She sings. This is I'll be there, not the Michael Jackson song but the one from the musical 'Lock Up Your Daughters – should be on You Tube.)

ZOE: When, in some cold jobcentre, for your sins you must atone,

Console yourself with this old pal, you will not be aaaaaalone…

(The audience pulls a face.)

ZOE: (Speaking.) What do you expect for these prices, Lesley Garrett?

(She sings.)

ZOE: When they won't interview you, I'll be there,

When the chavs all outdo you, I'll be there.

I'll be there with my biro, whittling pounds from off your giro,

I'll be there – you'll get zilch – I'll be there.

When you ask shops for credit, I'll be there.

To made sure you don't geddit, I'll be there.

If your chance you so misuse that you have to sell Big Issues,

I'll be there – with a brick! – I'll be there.

I'll be there all dressed up in my Strictly Best,

And you'll hear me heckling louder than the rest.

When, with one final grumble – I'll be there –

Into Heaven you stumble, I'll be there.

Should you go somewhere hotter, well, you won't find Harry Potter.

I'll be there at hell's gates, I'll be there.

(Connie is led off by the cops.)

ROBYN: But Max, how did you know it was your woman in the bin?

MAX: (Shyly.) My heart told me.

DYLAN: Sickbuckettttttt!

(Charlie struts on with that 'they're letting me perform' look on his face.

CHARLIE: Love's a powerful thing, Dylan. Look how it saved Ben and Zoe.

(He sings:)

CHARLIE: Love, love changes everything,

Bad times over, skies are blue,

Now we'll have a wonderful

Holby wedding-

MAX: Make that two!

(He kneels to Zoe.)

Zoe, darling, marry me,

And I'll love you for a lifetime.

ZOE: Max, of course I'll marry you,

Soon as poss, if not at once!

DYLAN: Max just pulled a top-class tart, the jammy ponce!

(Big Mac looks worried.)

BIG MAC: (Aside.) Two weddings? Two couples I like? Two presents and a new suit? Oh dear.

ZOE: (Waving her stethoscope.) Payslip's here, Mac.

(A payslip floats down. Mac catches it and reads it.)

MAC: A bonus? Three thousand pounds? YEE HAH!

(He does a joyful little dance, to the Clog Dance music they used in Brassed Off. The producer rushes in.)

PRODUCER: I have a text message here, from inside the Albert Hall.

Can I have my song back please, love and hugs from Michael Ball.

DYLAN: He can find another one, he's hogged that one for a lifetime!

ALL: Oh, love, love changes everything,

This is where our story ends,

If you thought it rubbish, please don't tell your friends!

(Everybody hugs each other.)

Well, it's not quite the end, we still have the curtain call to come…


	11. Chapter 11

Thanks to everybody who reviewed this, I had a whale of a time writing it!

CURTAIN CALL

(Noel, Louise, Lily and Rita come in wearing their posh togs as 'One Night Only' plays. Honey comes on and takes her place in the crowd as "I Don't Feel Like Dancin'" plays. Then Cal, Ethan and Dylan, ALL wearing technicolour dreamcoats, come on as 'Any Dream Will Do' is heard. The other two beautiful Meyer sisters, Melissa and Mog, come on. They are indeed pretty as they are played by Jennifer Lawrence and Pixie Lott. Mog goes to Cal, Melissa goes to Ethan… then they swap. Dylan dances alone, but as Big Mac comes on he grabs him and dances with him. The music changes to 'I will never let you down' as Connie struts on and gets lots of Boos. Cal and Ethan swap girls again. Mog and Melissa swap Cal and Ethan for Dylan and Big Mac. 'Charlie Shakira' comes on wiggling to 'This Time for Africa'. Zoe comes on to the tune of 'One Night Only', dressed as a bride, and Max joins her in his best suit and a rather fetching top hat. Anton comes on as 'Sidestep' is played and does a small line dancing display. Finally 'Dancing in the Dark' plays as Lofty and Marta come on as the other Bride and Groom. Robyn skips behind them scattering rose petals. The two happy couples come down to the front.)

ZOE: So evil's vanquished, love's in bloom.

DYLAN: You four, no smooching. Get a room.

LOFTY: This proves the bad guys never win-

MAX: NO-ONE puts Zoe in the bin!

(He and Zoe do a little bit of dancing to 'Having the Time of my Life' then once more, 'Love Changes Everything' is heard for a while… but trust naughty Dylan to have the last say. I think you'll recognise the tune from the final words.)

DYLAN: The rhymes don't rap, the tunes are cr*p,

I hate the stupid plot.

This tripe won't run on Broadway,

I know, no matter what!

(Robin stuffs a handful of rose petals in his mouth but he still bows defiantly.)

THE END


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